Hallmark Movie Watch: All the Hallmark Movies

... What do I care how much it may storm, I've got my love to keep me warm...

Oh hello AGAIN, dear readers. I still didn't see you there. Something must be wrong with my peripheral vision.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. I know I did. At one point I had cause to say: "THIS is a Hallmark movie." So things are good.

"That's great Tim! Where have my Hallmark reviews been at?"

Yeah, I slacked off this year. Maybe the message from Christmas on My Mind stuck with me and everything I do doesn't have to somehow get turned into fuel for clicks or maybe it's because engagement on the two I wrote was WAY down this year despite you guys begging me to write these again. (Smash that like button y'all!) Probably a little bit of both. Either way, I decided to watch a BUNCH of Hallmark movies just for me. (I told you I was feeling extra schmaltzy this year.) At first, I told myself: "I don't need to take notes I'll just write the post tomorrow." And that quickly devolved into I can drink a whole bottle of wine tonight because let's be honest I'm not going to write about this movie anyways.

I regret nothing.

I'm not going to completely hold out on you though, friends! Christmas is over when WE say so! I've got my Christmas Love Songs mix on one last time for the year so let's cover EVERYTHING I watched this year with whatever I can remember:

Christmas on My Mind

I put this one on specifically because it has Erica Durance in it. Yep, people my age, you know who that is. Lois Lane from Smallville.

Hands off, Welling.

Holy crap did I have a crush on her in the early 2000s. What better reason to watch a Hallmark movie. Unfortunately, Lois got the B-plot but it was a pretty significant b-plot. This is one of those Hallmark movies where they clearly didn't have quite enough script for a 90-minute feature so they pulled a different script that ALSO wasn't quite long enough for a 90-minute feature out of the garbage and mushed them together by making the two protagonists best friends on separate quests that have almost nothing to do with one another. In this case, Lois's fiance and her son are secretly buying her a dream home for Christmas but to preserve the surprise they're forced to ignore her. This is why surprise parties suck. The guest of honor usually feels shitty and ignored leading up to the event. And in poor Lois's case, she got ignored at Christmas AND got sucked into a 30-year mortgage without being asked. YIKES.

The A-plot features the usual marketing woman who hasn't found love. She comes home for Christmas and finds a love note in one of her high school textbooks. (My guess at why she's single is she spends Christmas reading high school textbooks.) Anyways, she improbably never found this note and now a mystery is afoot! She makes the BIG leap that 20 years later the guy who wrote this note is still in this small town, single and STILL into her. (Spoiler: all those things are true.) At least Kristen Keurk doesn't show up.

The Nine Lives of Christmas (Again.)

I never got around to finishing this one last year due to a recording screw-up and I had to see if my prediction that Metallo would show up was correct. It was not. Instead, Superman and Lois LOLcat kiss and live happily ever after. OR DO THEY???

Fun fact: my friends and I watched this one as part of our annual bad holiday movie party and one of my friends pointed out that The Nine Lives of Christmas was originally a book. Yes. This is literature. In the book, the story is told from the cat's perspective. I almost definitely won't read it next Christmas.

The Nine Kittens of Christmas

Yes, Big Blue and Lois LOLcat got themselves a sequel. The premise: Superman and Lois broke up! WHATTTTTTTTTT?! I get we need to reignite the will they/won't they if we're going to do this again but this conceit rips the very fabric of the Hallmark Cinematic Universe to shreds! Is the promise that all of these couples live happily ever after forever now rendered void? I FEEL LIKE IT IS!

All that said, once again the stars of this now-franchise (shudder) won me over and I actually kind of enjoyed this movie that should not exist. The plot was something about finding kittens' homes. The fire chief has a bigger part too for some reason. I was kind of hungover from the above party so it's all a little hazy. (Yes, once I discovered there was a sequel to The Nine Lives of Christmas I watched it THE NEXT DAY. I understand if you're judging me for that.)

Write Before Christmas

This is a Hallmark movie about the importance of sending Hallmark Christmas cards. Yes, you read that right. This movie is Hallmark openly mocking us by saying "you'll watch a 90-minute infomercial if we make the leads kiss at the end. Damn them. They're right. This is another one of those two-movies in one affairs and there's a whole separate plot about a burned-out rock star and I have no idea what he had to do with card lady.

Christmas Tree Lane (Again)

I will not apologize for loving this movie and I wanted to watch it again from a different place than I was last year. I still loved it and this song got a lot of play around here this year:

The Sweetest Christmas

I had somehow not yet watched a Lacey Chabert vehicle which was a crime that needed to be rectified. She's right there with DJ Tanner and Winnie Cooper for Hallmark all-stars! In this one, she's a gingerbread savant who's engaged to a sucky business guy but don't worry because her high school boyfriend is still tooling around his hometown like high school boyfriends do! A bunch of baking and flirting happens and then they kiss. I drank my Hallmark wine and closed out the season during this one so I was only kind of half paying attention. Stellar journalism here at Quixotronic!

So that's it for another holiday season! Will I do some of these next year? Maybe. I have an idea to freshen this up for myself. Either way, will I watch a bunch of Hallmark movies regardless? YES. I sure hope it's as a good Christmas as this one was.

Until then, I unapologetically remain:

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